Since it first became clear in the summer of 2016 that Donald Trump was actually a contender in the U.S. presidential race, I’ve been confronted with shadows from my past. Things I’d rather forget – and thought that I had forgiven – keep surfacing in my consciousness.
I realize the therapeutic value, but it’s been really uncomfortable. I couldn’t wait for the election to be over so I could stop thinking about narcissists, abuse, power struggles, my own complicity. But then, the unthinkable happened: The Donald was elected president.
My biggest problem has always been crippling self-doubt. I’ve been biting my tongue my whole life, it seems. I can’t do it anymore. It isn’t that I don’t have opinions – it is that I’ve spent so much time around people who are so sure that they are right (despite seemingly clear evidence to the contrary) that I’ve been too scared to speak up.
However, this isn’t a blog about proving myself right. I’m out of patience with both sides on every issue. Even if I agree with you, I don’t want to hear about how you’re destroying, devastating, annihilating, defeating or otherwise conquering the other side – because that “side” you speak of is actually other people. Other people that we live with, that whether we like it or not, are connected to us in obvious and invisible ways.
The title for this blog – Devastate Doubt – is part of the paradox. Doubt can be devastating – it can kill hope. But can doubt be devastated? Would that even be desirable? To doubt – “to call into question the truth of” – is necessary for critical thinking and the functioning of a democracy. And when separated further, it can be read as Deva State Doubt, or god say uncertain.
It is divine to speak of things that are not certain.
So, although I’m not sure of anything, I feel compelled to speak. To explore the complexities of why I believe what I believe.
I hope this blog will be a conversation about how external events can trigger internal changes, and vice versa. Time will tell.